


An unexpected hero

by Rose_SK



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Developing Relationship, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Tony Stark, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Precious Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 01:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19140922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_SK/pseuds/Rose_SK
Summary: “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.” Tony looked up at these words, raising an amused eyebrow and unable to hold back the mocking smirk.“You read Harry Potter?” he asked, noticing how Loki blushed at his question. It looked oddly cute.“The Spiderling convinced me to start the series. I couldn’t put the books down once I started,” Loki admitted shyly.





	An unexpected hero

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HEED THE TRIGGER WARNINGS: SUICIDE ATTEMPTS AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

** An unexpected hero **

****

Tony had sunk very low. He had probably reached his lowest point yet.

There he was, standing at the top of the Stark Tower, thinking that it just served him right that he was left all alone in this world. Well, technically speaking he was not alone. He had the Avengers, he had Pepper, he had Peter... and yet, Tony could still not shake the feeling that he was lonely. Nobody would understand what he was going through. No matter how hard they tried, they would never be able to walk a mile in his shoes. His mind was a mess, and there was nothing Tony could do to fix it. Hah, funny that: there was something that the prodigal genius Stark son could not fix. It was ironic, really.

Tony lowered his eyes and stared at the busy New York avenue below. Three hundred and forty-four meters… that was how high his tower was. Tony did a quick mental calculation and found that it would take about nine seconds for him to reach the concrete if he jumped. What would his last thoughts be during this free fall? Would he remember his parents, would he spend those nine seconds regretting that his relationship with Pepper did not work out? Would he beg to be forgiven for his actions before becoming Iron Man, or had he done enough good to be worthy of redemption? Tony let out a shaky breath as raised his eyes to stare one last time at the New York rooftops. Would people miss him? Would they hold a state funeral, and forget about him a mere couple of days later? Would people go back to their lives and let Iron Man fall into destitution?

Probably. Nobody cared about him, anyway. He was better off dead. Nobody would miss him.

When did it get that bad? Tony could not quite remember. He had had issues for a while now, his PTSD was not getting any better and his anxiety was crippling him on a daily basis. Things had got really bad in the past, but he had never felt the need to kill himself. The only times he had ever considered putting an end to his life was to save civilians. Suicide? That had never crossed his mind until very recently. The Avengers had been called on a difficult mission, and Tony had highly underestimated the enemy. Because of his error in judgement, Peter and Natasha had spent three nights in intensive care. They had almost not made it. It had all been Tony’s fault. If only he had paid more attention. He should have known that the enemy was creating a diversion only for his accomplice to be able to place that bomb that nearly took Peter and Natasha’s lives.

Why did they still trust him? He did not deserve their trust, or their friendship, or their admiration. He did not deserve anything. In the end, he would never be good enough. In the end, people would always die because of him no matter how hard he tried to be a hero. Even Iron Man could not save everyone. What was there left for him?

The sound of footsteps startled Tony, and thankfully he had not been standing on the edge of the roof. He turned around sharply, panic taking over as he expected one of the Avenger to see him about to jump off the roof. Tony did not expect to see Loki, God of Mischief, standing a reasonable distance away and his face not betraying any of his emotions. Did he understand what he had just walked in on? Did Asgardians get suicidal, or suffered from mental illnesses? For some reason, Tony found it difficult to believe.

“Stark, everyone is looking for you downstairs,” Loki said, as if it explained his presence on the roof. Tony swallowed thickly, taking a minute to think of what to say next.

“So they sent you to look for me?”

“No. I decided to go look for you on my own.”

Tony could not fathom why Loki would do such a thing, it was not exactly like the two were friends. The engineer was too exhausted to ask, and settled for turning his back on the God and stare into the abyss once again. The wind had picked up and was blowing through his hair. Ironic how he had never been more aware of his own fragility than in that very instant. One movement and nine seconds later, he would be dead. Nine seconds, and that would be it.

“Stark? Why are you up here on your own?”

Tony heard Loki, but could not bring himself to answer. Tears welled up in his eyes which he desperately tried to contain by blinking furiously. His lower lip quivered as resignation replaced his initial panicked state. This was it. This was his golden ticket out of this cruel world. Just one more step, nine tiny seconds, and everything would stop hurting. Tony stepped off the edge and fell.

Those nine seconds were either incredibly long, or surprisingly short, for the impact Tony had expected never came. His eyes fluttered open when he realized that he had, in fact, not been falling at all. Someone was holding him, talking to him, but Tony could not hear. The voice sounded distant, like it was shouting his name from the top of a mountain. His vision was momentarily blurry, and it took more blinking to realise who was leaning over him. Loki. Loki had caught him. Why would he bother?

“Anthony… Stark, can you hear me?”

It was the use of his first name that helped Tony snap out of his trance. Fuck, had he really stepped off the edge? Once he got his wits back, Tony felt stupid. Irrational. Selfish. And instantly, the guilt settled in again.

“I’m so sorry…”

Tony stared at Loki like he was seeing the God for the first time. The other man’s brows furrowed in confusion when he heard Tony speak those words. Or was he angry? Tony found it hard to tell.

“Why are you sorry?”

Loki was still holding him, his arms wrapped around his shoulder and hugging him close to a toned chest. Why was Loki not letting go? He had saved him, surely that was enough for one day. Tony realised that he did not want the God to move away yet. His arms felt comforting, they made Tony feel safe. They almost made him forget that he very nearly killed himself mere minutes ago.

“For everything…”

The God did not look satisfied with the answer, but to Tony’s relief he did not press the matter any further. Instead, he lifted the engineer to his feet and let Tony lean on him as the two of them walked back inside the building. Loki did not say much as he guided Tony to the penthouse, but his silent presence was still better than no presence at all. The God brought Tony to the bedroom and helped him sit down on his bed.

“Do you need anything? A glass of water, something to eat?”

“A scotch would be welcome,” Tony said, but Loki’s disapproving look made him pause.

“Alcohol is the last thing you should be consuming, Tony. A glass of water it is,” Loki told him, his tone stern but not unkind.

“Okay, mom…,” Tony mumbled under his breath grumpily as he dropped onto the mattress. He heard Loki leave the room and for a short time, and Tony was once again left alone with his thoughts. He could feel himself spiralling again… he had just tried to kill himself, why was he acting so selfishly? Loki should not have saved him, he did not deserve to live. Why would Loki even bother? Tony was not worth it. He was nothing, no matter how hard he tried to be a hero. He was nothing, and he would die for nothing.

Loki’s hand on his back pushing him into a sitting position broke Tony’s self-deprecating train of thought. Loki wrapped his arm around the engineer’s shoulders to support him, which Tony was incredibly glad for because he did not think he would have managed to keep upright by himself. The God brought the glass to Tony’s lips and tilted it slightly until the water touched the engineer’s lips. Tony allowed Loki to feed him the drink, only realising how thirsty he was after the first sip. He finished the glass in no time, but refused Loki’s offer to get him another one.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you being kind to me?” The question seemed to take Loki by surprise.

“I was not going to let you kill yourself, Stark. It would have looked rather suspicious to the other members of the team if they knew you and I were on the roof together, and they suddenly found you dead at the bottom of the tower.”

Tony could not help the small snort that escaped him, but a weird feeling settled in his chest. Loki had only saved him because he did not want people to think that Tony’s suicide was in fact a homicide and the God of Mischief’s doing. Unexpectedly, he felt Loki’s hand squeeze his shoulder in a reassuring manner.

“Also, you don’t deserve such a tragic end, Anthony.” There it was again… his first name, spoken in this soft voice. What was wrong with him? This was Loki, why did Tony feel this weird tingling sensation in his stomach? “In Asgard, these thoughts you’re experiencing are rare, but some people do feel them. It’s seen as very shameful there, because the only honourable death is to die of old age or in battle. But I disagree. Rather than shame those people, we should have learned to help them. However, this is not the issue right now.”  

“I didn’t deserve to be saved,” Tony maintained stubbornly, harshly moving away from Loki and getting off the bed to start pacing around the room like a caged tiger. The God did not try to hold him back. He merely sat there, observing Tony with watchful eyes. “I’m the reason so many people died. Even as Iron Man, I am the cause of deaths. Man deaths! Peter and Natasha almost died because of me! What kind of hero am I if I can’t even keep my own teammates safe? Loki, you should’ve just let me die!”

Tony’s voice had got louder and louder as he spoke, but that did not seem to faze the God. Loki let the engineer take all his frustrations out on him, and Tony was not sure what to do with that information. The God was being too kind, too understanding, and Tony wanted to know why. Loki did not owe him anything. He was being nice just because, and the engineer found that suspicious to say the least.

“Well? Aren’t you going to say anything, oh great Loki of Asgard? Cat got your tongue, huh? Or did you just realise how fucked up I actually am, and are regretting your decision to save me? I wouldn’t blame you if you did…”

“That is the furthest from my mind, Anthony. In fact, I disagree with most of the things you just said.” Loki stood up from the bed and took several steps towards Tony, placing his hands on the engineer’s shoulders. “You deserved to be saved, and you deserve to live. Granted, there have been civilian casualties on your missions, but you have also saved the lives of so many people. You may not think of yourself as a hero, but the Midgardians do. You should see them, parading around in your colours, or wearing clothing that display your suit, or even your face. They idolize you and the others, because they see you as a hero. _Their_ hero.”

Tony wanted to disagree, he wanted to contradict Loki and make the God see how much of a failure Tony really was. The fact that the other man could not see how messed up Tony truly was bordered on the grotesque. Tony avoided Loki’s gaze, again fighting his own tears of frustration as he grasped for the right words. The God beat him to the chase.

“Also, neither the Spiderchild nor Romanoff blame you for the accident. It was not your fault, much less your carelessness that hurt them. It was HYDRA’s agents that placed the bomb. _They_ are to blame, _not_ you. Do you hear me?”

“Peter is just a kid. He could’ve died before he had a chance to live his life. I should’ve kept a closer eye on him, I should’ve…,” Loki interrupted Tony, the tenderness of his tone breaking something in Tony. The equally caring look in those azure eyes left the engineer speechless.

“You should be less hard on yourself. Peter is more resilient than you think, he is also not entirely your responsibility. You should all look after each other as a team, the burden of protection does not fall on your shoulders solely. You are a good man, Tony, which is more than can be said about me.”

“I can’t see a solution to this, Lokes…,” Tony was not sure where the nickname came from, but in that instant it just felt right and familiar, “… there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. Not for me. Not anymore.”

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.” Tony looked up at these words, raising an amused eyebrow and unable to hold back the mocking smirk.

“You read Harry Potter?” he asked, noticing how Loki blushed at his question. It looked oddly cute.

“The Spiderling convinced me to start the series. I couldn’t put the books down once I started,” Loki admitted shyly. Tony’s grin only widened as he spoke his next words.

“Bet you identified quite a bit with Snape…”

“Hey! Just because we share physical similarities doesn’t mean I relate to him…,” Loki argued, but Tony merely shot him a knowing look.

“Yeah, right! I don’t believe you, Reindeer Games. May I say, you’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person, who bad things happened to. The fact that you stood by me after I tried to kill myself shows that.”

“One, you stole that line from Sirius Black, and two, if you breathe a word of this to anyone I’ll personally twist your fragile human neck.”

Loki called Tony out on his bluff easily, although the engineer could tell that his words had touched the God. Whether Loki believed them was another story, but there was no denying that Tony had genuinely meant them. Loki had helped him through a very difficult situation, and he was showing no signs of leaving yet. Tony did not really want him to.

“Hey Lokes?”

“Hm?”

“Would you mind, uh… staying here tonight? Like, not in my bed, but… there’s a sofa-bed in the living room. I would feel better if I knew someone was here, you know?” Tony felt foolish for asking, half-expecting the God to deny him his request, but against all odds Loki’s features softened as a gentle smile graced his lips.

“Of course, Anthony. You don’t have to bother with a bed. I need to finish the last book in the Harry Potter series, I can’t see myself sleeping tonight.”

“Well, if the movie is anything to go by, you’ll be in for quite a few plot twists!” Tony remarked.

“Don’t you dare spoiler me, Stark, or I’ll…,”

“Or you’ll personally twist my fragile human neck?” Tony teased, relishing in the way Loki’s smile turned into a wide mischievous grin.

“And don’t you forget it, you mewling quim.”

 

OoO

 

Loki ended up spending the night, and many other nights afterwards. They kept those sleepovers a secret from the other Avengers, just to avoid unnecessary arguments. Nothing was happening, Tony merely felt better knowing that someone was there if he ever got the urge to kill himself again. Things went back to normal for Tony, he tinkered in his workshop most of the day, and occasionally attended business meetings. His mind, his anxiety, his PTSD… none of it really left him, but the suicidal thoughts had considerably lessened since Loki moved into his penthouse. The God was not a very noisy house guest. He mostly read or practiced his magic, which surprisingly was not as destructive or bothersome as Tony would have expected. Tony had kindly asked Peter to sit out the next couple of missions – he had not bothered asking Natasha to do the same, he knew there was no point – but Peter seemed more compliant. The kid started spending more time with Loki, and recommending the God more teen fiction that the millennia-old being all but binge-read. Tony had even found out through Thor that in human years, Loki was not much older than ninenteen, which explained the interest in teenage fiction.

In fact, Tony had learned a lot about Loki. The two of them had grown closer with the weeks, until the unexpected had happened. Tony had developed a crush on the God. The engineer thought that his feelings stemmed from Loki being so kind to him, but regardless his crush only seemed to grow with each day the mage spent at the penthouse. What was worse, Peter had noticed. Out of all people…

_“Mr Stark, you need to tell Mr Loki how you feel. Trust me, he’s not indifferent to you!”_

_“How many crushes of yours have you talked to and then dated?”_

_“Why is that relevant?”_

_“Case in point.”_

Tony had hoped that Peter would drop the subject, but he had underestimated the kid’s stubbornness. And to the engineer’s horror, Peter had no intention on being subtle about Tony’s feelings for Loki, either. He had even done the unthinkable and told _Thor_ of all people.

_“Man of Iron, the Spiderchild told me the good news. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, but I’m so glad you’re thinking of courting my brother!”_

_“ **Peter** , I’m going to kill you!”_

Honestly, it was a fucking miracle that the whole of New York including Loki remained oblivious as long as they did.

Several months after Loki had moved into the penthouse – platonically, for Christ’s sake, why was that so hard to believe? – he, Tony and Peter were sitting in the penthouse, enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon. All was well when suddenly, the kid decided to spoil everyone’s happiness by exclaiming in a strangely irritated tone:

“I’ve had enough of this mutual pining and unresolved sexual tension. You two need to talk this out, or I swear I’m going to lose my mind.”

Then the cheeky brat had _left_. How dare he put Tony on the spot like that? He was going to pay for this little stunt, come what may, Tony would find a way to make the kid regret this. But until then, he had to face a rather stunned Loki. The mage closed the book he was currently reading in favour of staring expectantly at Tony. The engineer merely smiled awkwardly.

“Uhm… I have no idea what he’s on about, probably smoked crack or something, you know how teenagers are…”

“You’re a fool if you think I bought that lie, Anthony Stark.”

Tony cursed Peter under his breath. His eyes met Loki’s, and the engineer suddenly felt very vulnerable. What now? He had never thought this situation through, mainly because he never wanted to be in that position. He knew Loki could never return his feelings. Tony was broken, damaged beyond repair, shamefully suicidal according to Asgardian customs. Loki, a former prince, would never want to be with a lowly engineer, no matter how rich Tony was. This was one of the rare times where his money would not save him.

“I uh…. Look, maybe he’s right, but I didn’t want you to know. I get it’s awkward, but don’t worry. I’m a big boy, I can handle rejection. You’ve been really considerate and nice to me ever since… _that_ night, and it’s unfair of me to use my issues to guilt-trip you into a relationship with me. So just forget what Peter said, okay? I’ll be fine.”

Loki did not speak for a few minutes, merely appraising Tony’s words and looking at him intently. Tony hated that look, because he was terrible at reading the God. Loki kept his emotions very close to his heart, and he never showed any signs of vulnerability. The two minutes that passed between them felt like an eternity, but eventually Loki’s velvety voice broke the silence.

“You truly don’t believe that you deserve to be saved, do you?” Out of everything Tony had expected to hear, _this_ had not even made the list. He stared dumbly at Loki, who could not hold back a sad smile. “You’re hurting badly, Anthony. Why won’t you let anyone help you?”

“What has that got to do with me having a crush on you?”

“Because you’re clearly not willing to let me in, regardless of how you feel. Judging by what you just told me, you assumed that I would reject you because of what happened several months ago.” Tony hated how right Loki was.

“You’ve got that one wrong, Reindeer Games.”

“Do not insult my intelligence, Anthony, you know I can see right through any lie. Would you like to hear my thoughts on your feelings?”

It was the very and last thing Tony wanted to hear, and his conflicting thoughts must have been visible on his face for Loki’s features softened. He put his book away and went to take place on the couch Tony was sitting on, their thighs touching with how close the mage was. The touch sent jolts of electricity through Tony’s body. A cool hand went to wrap around Tony’s calloused ones, squeezing it slightly.

“Would you?”

“I guess I would…,” Tony finally agreed, avoiding eye contact. Only Loki would not have that. His other hand grabbed Tony’s chin and forced the engineer to lock eyes with him.

“Anthony Stark, you are a remarkable person. Yes, you are broken, but so am I. You might not have noticed, but staying here has helped me deal with dark thoughts, too. Your presence was as beneficial and appeasing to me as mine was to you. We seem to be good for each other, but I never dared hope that you would return my feelings. If you’d have me, I will gladly have you.”

Tony could not quite believe his ears as he listened to Loki’s words. The mage let go of his chin, but the engineer did not feel like looking away this time. Eyes are the mirrors of the soul, and Tony needed to be sure that Loki was not making fun of him. All he saw reflected in those azure blue eyes was honesty, affection and a touch of uncertainty. Tony’s throat tightened with emotions when he could see no sign of mockery.

“You really mean that?” he asked, his voice small and barely beyond a whisper. Loki merely nodded solemnly.

“I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life, Anthony.”

It took several weeks for Tony to convince himself that Loki was sincere. Peter and Thor were delighted about the news, and Thor even indulged in a rare Asgardian hug with both Tony and Loki. The Avengers were shocked when they found out, and some still were not sure if they should trust Loki, but one thing was undeniable: he was good for Tony. It took another long while to fight off the suicidal feelings, but Loki was always there when things got too difficult to handle. He always knew what to say, how to touch Tony to appease him, and also when to be silent. Tony did not know if he would ever be able to thank Loki enough for saving his life, although he did have a t-shirt with Loki’s helmet manufactured.

_“What is this, Anthony?”_

_“That’s what people do, you know? They wear merch with their hero’s face on it, to show their appreciation. You’re my hero, so you also get your own merch.”_

Things were never perfect, far from it. But they were definitely getting better. That was more than Tony could ever ask for.


End file.
